International black base-balling super star Sammy Sosa has recently revealed the secret to his touchdown prowess. While other players were injecting their bodies with all manner of filth in order to gain a competitive advantage, Brother Sammy used prayer and a strict anti-masturbation lifestyle to transform his body into a prolific touchdown machine who shattered the all time touch down record previously held by Baby Ruth.
This has caused some of the more exuberant Cubs fans quite a bit of grief as baseball is a sport dominated by Normals and it’s God’s plan that it remain that way. But now a miracle has occurred. Ethnic outreach succeeded in bringing Brother Sammy to the fold. Despite being pure of heart Brother Sammy had yet to take Brother Lonnie’s official STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy and technically remained a non-Normal skinned negro.
As preached by Brother Lonnie and proven by tax-payer funded studies, once Brother Sammy took the pledge and allowed the love of Brother Lonnie to enter his sin holes, his skin became the most beautiful shade of Normal. Big Masturbation and scLIEnce will tell you this is impossible but here in the above image before you is the truth.
Now Brother Sammy is fit to hold the all-time touchdown record and as an added benefit has begun paying his bills, doesn’t waste all his money on tire rims, stopped fathering children out of wedlock, has caught up on his back child support, can obtain loans and no longer dates chubby white women with self esteem issues! The claims of racism are now falling on deaf ears as Brother Lonnie seeks to share white privilege to all while the real racists seek to keep it for themselves.
Praise Brother Lonnie, God, Jesus, America and nothing else! Bless!
Categories: Item of the Week