Blue Christmas

Blue Christmas: Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Christmas

  

 Blue Christmas

Written by: Billy Hayes and Jay Johnson, sung by Elvis Presley

 I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you

I’ll be so blue just thinking about you

Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree

Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That’s when those blue memories start calling

You’ll be doing all right, with your Christmas of white

But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

You’ll be doing all right, with your Christmas of white,

But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

You know I have gone over the edge, because as I write this, it is snowing outside, the lights I put on our little serviceberry bush are twinkling through the glass, and I am drinking eggnog and listening to Christmas music. Anyone that knows me knows that eggnog is not my drink of choice during the “Holidays”, that putting up lights outside is anathema to me, and Christmas music is, well, Christmas music.

That is not why I am writing this chapter, however. This chapter is a warning, a clarion call, and a klaxon to all men: NEVER GET MARRIED! If you get married, you will put yourself into a position to have many a Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Christmas! I know of what I speak. Women love Christmas, in fact, they love the entire so-called “Holiday Season”. They can get together, all dressed up and chatter endlessly, particularly if they haven’t seen each other much throughout the year. (A most common occurrence these days).

This only means that men suffer for weeks, from before Thanksgiving through the New Year, in fact, for months after the New Year begins. Oh, the first few years of marriage may be fun, as the newly married couple will be excited to host their First Thanksgiving Dinner, or put up their first Christmas tree together and decorate the house for the “Holidays”. As long as they remain in the clutches of lust (which is why anyone gets married anyway), everything is OK. BUT MEN, BEWARE!

Much like sending flowers to her on your first anniversary, you are setting a precedent not to be broken for the rest of your life. If you start right off the bat helping with (and pretending to enjoy) the “Holiday” preparations and activities, you are stuck with it for life.

Every year you will hear the bleating of your wife saying “But you always used to enjoy putting the lights on the gutters”, or “You never used to be this way – you always liked the Christmas season”, or the worst ever “You always liked going to my mother’s”. See – stuck forever – doomed to a life of granting every wish and whim to make your place look “Festive”, even though your wife says, “She no longer wants to be touched”.

Slowly, and over time, if you remain married long enough, you will inevitably experience the dreaded Blue Christmas. And if you are married really, really long enough – like life without parole – you’ll experience the spirit dulling, mind numbing, stomach churning Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue Christmas. No hope will be left. That’s why you should NEVER GET MARRIED.

Think about it for a minute. Here’s what you’ll be doing for months and even years, until you die:

  • Driving all over creation, in heavy “Holiday” traffic, to find the perfect gift for your bride, only, once found, to have to wait in line for thirty minutes or so to pay for it. All the while you’re hoping that your pretty little hausfrau hasn’t maxed out your credit card limit.
  • Spending hours in freezing drizzle or even snow on a ladder, fighting with Christmas lights as you try to attach them to the gutters. Once done with that, you will have to fight with the bushes to get them all lit up for the holidays. If you have young children (perish the thought of the little nose pickers that you’re not sure are even really yours) they will want to “help Daddy”. Helping Daddy means stepping on the bulbs, winding the electrical cords around the ladder, and then getting bored, leaving you in the cold to finish the job yourself. It’s easier with teenagers – they disappear like ghosts whenever any such work needs to be done. Another thing to think about is that you are stuck with what Dickens called the ‘retainers” through their college years – and probably, given the times we live in – until their forties or older. I’m living proof of that.
  • Scrambling with your beloved through stores like “Toys ‘R Us” or “Baby Gap” to make sure little Bobby or little Suzy has everything his/her little heart could desire under the tree Christmas morning. People will give your little beloveds toys that make noise – the only gift worse than that would be a live animal, like a bunny, or little chick, or the worst of all – a cute little kitten.
  • Playing shopping “pinball” in the grocery store, as you try to keep up with your lovely bride as she scatter-shots throughout the store looking for items on her list. No woman I know of, other than my Grandmother, has ever had a grocery list made out by item and aisle – to simplify the grocery shopping experience – and she was in her eighties then. (I know this because I used to take her shopping). You will walk literally miles through the grocery store, doubling back and forth until your wife is SURE she has everything on her list.
  • When you get home, of course, there will be some must-have item that has been forgotten, and you will be assigned to go and fetch it – immediately, even if you don’t want to go back out.

Like I said, NEVER GET MARRIED!

  • Another thing about shopping – don’t even dare to put anything you want into the shopping cart! You will be interrogated by the comely Gestapo agent you married with questions such as “Do you really need that?” or  “That’s not on the list”, or “You don’t need another bottle of gin!”
  • Your sensibilities will be bruised from listening to a constant barrage of music from some new-age group called Mannheim Steamroller, or dead oldies such as Bing Crosby crooning “White Christmas” until your ears begin to bleed. This “music” will be playing while your bride happily bakes everything that you shouldn’t be eating but can’t keep your hands off – thereby gaining enormous amounts of weight each year in just a few days that, as you age, will never come off. This could very well be a plot to get you into assisted living (or worse) before your time, so your lovely bride can begin to live again, rid of your presence in the home.
  • You’ll never spend another Christmas day at home. You’ll be at her mother’s, or your mother’s, or, egad, both in the same day! You will have to be polite, try to make conversation, sit at a table crammed with food and obnoxious relatives, try to control your unruly children, or put up with others’ unruly children – all the while leaving your beloved best friend – your dog – home alone all day. The only thing on your mind will be “Can we get home in time before the dog can’t wait anymore and has an accident in the middle of the living room rug?” You will never spend Christmas on a sun-drenched beach in Florida, or in Vegas – Vegas! Think about that.

 Like I said, NEVER GET MARRIED!

But the worst thing of all is, after many years of marriage, you will be expected to spend time with her sitting and watching made-for-television Holiday movies. The Horror! The Horror! For those of you who are yet to experience this, it is worse than solitary confinement in prison. It is worse than seeing a fat lady wearing a Victoria’s Secret thong. It is worse than a Martini made by a bartender in Wisconsin, who probably can’t even spell Martini.

To illustrate my point, let me give you a short synopsis of the made-for-television movies I have had to watch this year. If you can’t make it through the list I understand. If you make it through the list and are not contacting a divorce lawyer, well, I don’t understand. But first, let me make myself perfectly clear:

Women are not to be blamed for the phenomenon of the Christmas story; you can thank Charles Dickens for that, ever since he wrote “A Christmas Carol” The idea of Christmas changed radically after he wrote it – he says it himself in his preface to the Christmas Carol in December of 1843:

I have endeavored in this Ghostly little book to raise the Ghost of an Idea which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it. 

The foundation was set forever when he wrote these words at the end of his story:

Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did NOT die he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady and less attractive forms. His own heart laughed; and that was quite enough for him.

He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principal, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

Ever since that December, 1843, most Christmas stories follow the same formula, involving ghosts of loved ones, or even strangers, flying reindeer, Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and their imaginary family members, angels coming to Earth to perform miracles, or some tragic event that is made light, joyful and happy – all by Christmas and the “Christmas Spirit”!

Now, back to the Horror of Christmas movies:

Since the Christmas season is supposed to be a joyful time of year (Thank You, Charles Dickens!) most women prefer movies that are light and happy and make them cry like a baby.

A believable plot is not required – in fact most women don’t like believable plots. They don’t care if the actors are any good. They don’t care if the movie is filled with characters that are clichés. They just want to watch and then tear up or cry outright.

The formula for almost all contemporary Christmas movies are the same; someone (who usually doesn’t believe in Santa or the Christmas Spirit) discovers happiness over the holiday season, usually by falling in love, or being “saved” by some sort of supernatural being. Keep reading as long as you can stand it!

 Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

 The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads

And Mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap

Had just settled down

To watch Holiday movies on TV

With the cat in her lap

When Angels Come To Town

A bookkeeper angel sent down from “the home office” to knock field agent angel (played by poor old Peter Falk). The part I liked about this movie was when the male lead, who played the son of the owner of a quaint family ornament company heartlessly begins to modernize the family’s company. The best part of the movie comes when (SPOILER ALERT), at one point, as he hands an employee her last paycheck before firing her. He smiles with relief as he tells her how much he’s looking forward to not writing paychecks any more!

The cast also included a mean social worker, and a self-absorbed younger brother. The movie even portrays the heavenly realm as being one big bureaucratic mess. I wanted more viciousness and misery, but you can guess how this one turns out.

Hint: Love, rebirth of the holiday spirit, saved company, happy holiday, and happily ever after.

Unlikely Angel

This is my favorite of all the films. Dolly Parton (I’ll say that twice, Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton!) plays bar singer Ruby Diamond, who meets an untimely death.  Ruby/Dolly wants to become an angel before entering heaven. She is sent back to earth on a mission, and if she succeeds she will get her wings. (Anybody hear any bells ringing?) She has to complete her a mission before midnight on Christmas Eve and is given this one last chance to save her soul: instill love in a family consisting of a widowed father and his two children.

The father is the stereotypical man burying himself in work and neglecting his children. The kids feel distanced from their father, trying to cope after the death of their mother and they all have developed attitudes, yet beneath those bad attitudes lie hearts of gold.

This is Ruby/Dolly’s one chance to save her soul, but she doesn’t have a clue. (Maybe that’s why she was a bar singer while she was alive.) She keeps turning to St. Peter for help. Somehow, St. Peter conjures up situations where Ruby/Dolly has to sing. (Oh, Dolly!). Her singing is so heartwarming that she helps the family realize they need each other, and need to stick together. Of course, Ruby/Dolly, as the singing nanny for a dysfunctional family gives an excellent performance. Of course you know where the movie goes from there, but it is sure to brighten any Christmas!

…We were able to watch two

And each one was sadder

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

Before starting the next movie

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

Not seeing anything, and closing the window

I ran back to my chair to watch some more trash

A Town Without Christmas

This is a real thriller as well as a heartwarmer. A child writes a letter to Santa to say he’s going to kill himself to help his parents, who have no money and are about to lose their home. The child thinks they will be better off without him.

When this letter is made public, a frantic outcry from the good citizens turns into a frenzy in hopes of finding the child who wrote the letter before Christmas Eve. A wise and caring reporter struggles to figure out mystical clues and uses dim memories of his own past to unfortunately save the child. Another Happy Christmas ensues. Aw shucks!

The Three Wishes

A financially challenged husband runs a toy factory. He invites three boys to spend Christmas with him. The boys think it is a test to see which one of them will be adopted. There is the smart-aleck kid, the fat kid, and the black kid. Because they think he and his wife are only going to adopt the one of them they like the most, boys will be boys.

Of course, all in the Christmas Spirit, they engage in a vicious campaign of lying, deceit and sabotage in a mean spirited battle as each tries to become the favorite and get adopted. Do the boys become close and run away together? Do they get lost and scared? Are they found alive or eaten by bears? Do they get sent back to the juvenile home? Does anybody get adopted? Is it a Happy Christmas at the end? Tune in to see for yourself, or watch it on-line.

A Smoky Mountain Christmas

This is a movie about a frustrated and lonely country singer, who escapes to a mountain hideaway to lick her wounds. Guess who the country singer is? You’re right, Dolly Parton!

Characters like a troop of too-cute orphans, mean orphanage matrons, a lecherous sheriff, a buffoonish tabloid reporter, and even a witch provide Dolly with numerous opportunities to exercise her ample lungs and belt out a number of heartwarming tunes.

Meanwhile, she miraculously meets the love of her life (poor Lee Majors, who I thought was dead). Judging by his performance, six million dollars doesn’t do for a man what it used to. Anyway, you can be assured they all (even the witch) have a very merry Christmas

 …After these three movies, I looked out of the window,

And the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Gave a luster of midday to objects below,

I looked long and hard, but nothing did I see,

And I went back to my chair to continue the show

Prancer

The excessively adorable young girl of an overly curmudgeon single father saves an injured reindeer. She thinks it is one of Santa’s – Prancer, of course. Prancer is put on display, and the little girl must free him before Christmas Eve. As she tries to free poor Prancer, she gets injured. The noble reindeer saves her life by lying next to her to keep her from freezing.

Eventually, help arrives – and the fate of the noble Prancer? In Wisconsin he’d be hanging from a tree in the front yard, or splayed out on the hood of a pickup truck, but you’ll have to watch the movie to find out the truth.

National Tree

In its search for a new national Christmas tree, the United States enlists the Box of Toys organization to help run a nationwide contest. The winning tree belongs to 17-year-old video blogger Rock Burdock, whose father, Corey, planted the Sitka Spruce for him the day he was born. One week before Thanksgiving, Corey and Rock, accompanied by naïve but serious marketing representative Faith Russell, embark on a drive across the country to bring the tree to Washington, D.C., where it will be planted across from the White House and lit by the President and the First Family.

Rock dreads spending days on end with a dad who doesn’t understand him, but Corey hopes the trip will allow for some father-son bonding, however belated it may be. Of course the father is the clichéd ultra-serious widower and the son is the clichéd irresponsible youth. As the Burdocks make their way across the country, their tree garners more and more fans, as do each of them. Naturally, Faith, the marketing rep follows the company line – until she falls in love with the poor, stern widowed father.

However, with the increased media attention, the tree’s significance begins to be more about its marketability than its sentimental value as a national symbol. There’s the evil marketing manager at the corporation sponsoring the planting who decides to have it cut and placed in a stand instead of planted, so that the contest can be repeated every year. (Oh, heartless businessman!)

The moment the movie discloses the evil corporation’s plans to kill the tree, the way the tree will be saved is obvious, and it’s up to Rock and Corey to decide – as a family – which is more important. Guess what they choose to do?

A Christmas Visitor

Get ready to cry! The Boyajians have not celebrated Christmas in 11 years. They lost their faith when they lost their son to the Persian Gulf War. Now a stranger has joined them – around the same age as their boy would have been. Is he a con artist? Or is this young man the miracle their family has been waiting for?

This movie about the ghost of the Boyajians’ dead son, coming back to fix things at home, is very heart wrenching. A father struggles with the past. A daughter fights for the future. A mother searches for answers.

This is a remarkable story of loss and renewal, as the stranger changes them forever. The shameless use of patriotism in this movie is both cheesy and appalling. It heartlessly pulls every heart-string a mother could possibly cry at.

Heartwarming – no, Happy – no, Joyful – no. Just tears and tears from the mothers watching this shameless movie.

Holiday in Handcuffs

A girl whose boyfriend dumps her right before a family gathering kidnaps a handsome man at gunpoint to force him to fill in. The plot is both humorously unbelievable and borders on the ridiculous. I kind of liked this one, though.

Can you guess who falls in love while having a wonderful Christmas? And did it make me shed a tear? Take your best shot at the answers.

…During one of the commercials, I happened to sneak

Another look out the window, just for a peek

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick;

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came.

And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

Now, Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!

Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

I called out to Mamma, who didnt want to move,

She was watching A Golden Christmas

And her cat was asleep

So she missed all of this

A Golden Christmas

This movie is a two-hankie weeper. A single mother returns to the family home after distancing herself and son from everyone and announces she wants to buy the home only to discover that it’s already been sold. She then scuttles the sale. The big plot twist is that the buyer is the childhood friend she longs to reconnect with.

This is where the ghost of a loved one comes in to intervene – a magical golden retriever who acts as the cupid to bring the two childhood sweeties together, by finding and digging up the “time capsule” lunch box the two kiddies buried in the woods years ago.

The happy couple, reunited in love, has a wonderful Christmas, but the Golden Retriever has to retreat and disappear into the woods, mission accomplished, as the lovebirds look on. A real weeper as the dog fades away, but why are the lovebirds smiling as he disappears into the mist?

Moonlight and Mistletoe

It’s always Christmas in Santaville!  But now, tiny Chester, Vermont’s year-round yuletide attraction is losing its widespread appeal.  On the verge of bankruptcy, the resident St. Nick is hoping for a Christmas miracle to keep his dream from being bulldozed into another mini mall. Nick Crosby is the owner of Santaville and head Santa.  One day he is smiling with visitors, the next, he is juggling a cascading stack of bills, unable to pay the rent and blissfully thinking a solution will magically appear.

When his daughter – named Holly of course – and former “Number One Elf”, (who overdosed on Christmas in her youth and became a Christmas – hating business woman), returns home, she is shocked to learn of her father’s situation. She discovers that, egad, Santaville is bankrupt and against her will tries to fix things!

Holly recruits Peter, Nick’s employee and master wood craftsman, to devise a solution to the money woes. Predictably, while she’s doing this she falls in love with Peter and rediscovers the Christmas spirit. Now remember, Peter is a master wood craftsman – so naturally as a hobby he makes wooden nutcrackers, and suddenly, without reason, nutcrackers are all the rage this season. With Peter’s help Holly manages to solve all of Santaville’s financial problems.

Hankies for the women – athletic cups for the men!

…I continued to force myself to watch yet another Christmas movie, then

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the housetop the coursers they flew

With a sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas, too

And then with a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof

I couldnt believe this was really happening,

And turned to Mamma, but found her and her cat

Happily settled down to a long Winters nap

The holiday movies continued to run,

I was afraid to disturb Mamma; she looked so comfortable, and was having fun

The Santa Incident

Santa is marooned in a small town when his sleigh is mistaken for a UFO. He is rescued by two children and tries to prepare for Christmas while stranded far from the North Pole.  To make sure Christmas isn’t ruined this year, Santa must find a way to take flight by Christmas Eve.

Will the evil military ship Santa and the children to GITMO as enemy combatants? Will heartless scientists capture Santa and dissect him to try to find out why he’s still alive after hundreds of years? Will Santa decide to run for Governor of Alaska? Is Christmas over for good?

Finding John Christmas

A mysterious stranger performs an act of bravery (Saving a child from a burning school in a tasteless scene of a burning school, based on the real Our Lady of the Angels School fire in Chicago, Illinois in 1958). Noah, a photographer, catches the act of bravery on camera. It quickly becomes headline news and the town dubs the stranger “John Christmas”.

After seeing the photo, Kathleen is convinced that the mysterious stranger is in fact her long-lost brother Hank. With the town’s help, Kathleen and Noah set about to find the stranger’s true identity with the help of Max, a Christmas angel. (Peter Falk again).

Does the long-lost hero come back home? Is he really an angel? How did he get out of the school fire alive? Will Christmas be a happy one for Kathleen, Noah, Max, and of course, John Christmas?

Farewell, Mr. Kringle

Annabelle, a widowed journalist, no Christmas lover she, begrudgingly accepts an assignment on Kris Kringle, a man who thinks he really is Santa Claus, who lives in a small, Christmas-themed town.  To her surprise, (and hers only) Anna finds the townspeople love Kris and accept him for what he believes himself to be. As her involvement with the town grows, she becomes enchanted with Mr. Kringle. (Kris). She also becomes enchanted with a widower who had an almost identical Christmastime tragedy as she did years ago.

Naturally, she is able to put the past behind her and open herself up to love and re-embrace the Christmas spirit. The great thing about this film is that it was obviously filmed during the summer even though it’s supposed to be winter. The green lawns, leafy trees, flowers blooming, and warm sunny weather, really give this movie an authentic feel of having a White Christmas.

Bing Crosby, where are you now that we need you?

…As I drew in my head

And was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas

Came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, (Bad Santa faux fur would do)

From his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished

With ashes and soot.

A bundle of toys

He had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler

Just opening his pack

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

 His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

He looked just like me, after a night at the pub

After a bottle of gin

Or an evening at the club

One Magic Christmas

This one’s a great one. A wife and mother has to suffer through:

  • Her husband’s unemployment and their family’s eviction from their house
  • Her getting fired
  • Her husband’s murder and,
  • Her child’s kidnapping and death

Believe it or not, this has made the wife a bit cynical about Christmas. An enigmatic field agent (Angel?) for the Spirit of Christmas slinks in the background performing a variety of minor miracles. In the end (SPOILER ALERT!) he takes one of her surviving nose pickers to visit Santa, thereby providing proof to the wife that Santa exists. When she re-embraces the spirit of Christmas he rewards her by shifting her back in time so that through a couple of acts of kindness she:

  • Prevents a bank robbery and saves the robber’s life
  • Convinces her mean and evil boss that fired her to give her old job back and the holiday off!

Question: If the wife hadn’t re-embraced the spirit of Christmas would she have been left to suffer even though none of the tragedies were her fault? Doesn’t this sound like the spirit of Christmas to you?

Secret Santa

A cynical, high-flying investigative reporter is sent by her cigar-chomping, red-faced editor to a small town to discover the identity of an anonymous Christmas gift giver known locally as “Secret Santa”.

Of course, this assignment is way below her station, and she’s not too happy about it. She isn’t that great of an investigative reporter, as it takes her almost the entire movie to discover Secret Santa’s identity.

As with all Christmas movies, during her assignment she finds serenity, a new life, a possible love interest and the Secret Santa’s identity, (SPOILER ALERT!) the only black guy in the whole movie!

An implied romantic relationship is never resolved during the flick, and the audience is left wondering what happened. The big mystery – even bigger than the identity of Secret Santa is what is it about her old VW bug that leaves the audience feeling cheated?

…The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

But the Holiday movies continued to run over the telly

A Grandpa for Christmas

Everyone who knows a family going thru a divorce must see this movie. It shows a classic case of PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome. This occurs when parents, in a divorce, bash the other parent and blame the other parent for everything that’s wrong and this bashing occurs not just in court but this bashing is delivered directly to the children.

In this movie, Bert, played by Ernest Borgnine, was bashed first by his ex wife to his daughter, and then again by his daughter to his granddaughter, Becca. After a car accident sends the mother to the hospital, little 9-year-old Becca goes to live with the grandfather she never knew she had.

Becca is horrified she has to live with her Grandpa – not only has she never met him, but all she has heard her whole life is what a bum he is. After some initial problems she ends up liking him and plays the lead in a school musical. It turns out Bert is not a bum after all, Becca learns her Grandpa is a pretty good guy and that her Mom was wrong about her Dad.

Mr. Borgnine and a group of other older (meaning practically retired or nearly dead) actors have a lot of fun playing retired actors when they are, in real life, retired actors.

Is divorce bad? If so, is it even worse when one parent bashes the other parent to the children? And finally, what does all this bashing have to do with Christmas?

…He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

Until Mamma awoke and Lets watch another movie she said

The Night They Saved Christmas

This movie is Art Carney’s attempt to match Rock Hudson in “Ice Station Zebra”. The ridiculous plot about evil arctic oil drillers threatening to destroy Santa’s workshop is supported by lame acting, and almost laughable dialog. At times it is so lame you just have to laugh. Ed Norton in a Santa suit – missing only the tee shirt and vest is a hoot to watch. Does Santa’s workshop get saved? You have to see it to believe it.

…He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk

And laying his finger aside his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose

Mamma was crying over the Night They Saved Christmas

I truly believe she saw none of this business

Debbie Macombers Mrs. Miracle

Losing a spouse is always hard, and for Seth Webster, playing single dad to two rambunctious six-year-olds doesn’t make it any easier. With the holidays approaching, finding a housekeeper has proven to be nearly impossible, until Mrs. Emily Merkle shows up at the Websters’ door, ready to turn their lives around.

No sooner has “Mrs. Miracle,” as Seth’s boys call her, straightened up the house, than Seth meets Reba Maxwell, best friend to the Webster kids’ first-grade teacher. After just one date, Seth and Reba find they have a lot in common. Since the death of his music-loving wife, Seth has been unable to play a single chord on the piano, and, in the name of her career, Reba, once an avid actress, has avoided the theater.

With a Christmas pageant to prepare for and a fresh romance on the horizon, Mrs. Miracle definitely has her work cut out for her and proves to be more than just a normal nanny.

How does the magic-working nanny help a widowed father cope with his two sons over Christmas? How does she help him resolve his feelings about the loss of his wife and find love? What kind of names are Seth and Reba? Does Seth ever play the piano again? Does Reba get involved with the theater again?

This movie just presents too many burning questions to even get up to pee – even during the commercials.

…He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle

Call Me Mrs. Miracle

Can you believe they made another one? No one celebrates the holidays like Emily Merkle  – or Mrs. Miracle – as some know her – is back to ensure that this Christmas is the most magical and meaningful of all.

When Mrs. Miracle appears as a seasonal employee in the toy department at the financially troubled Finley’s Department Store, neither the store’s owners, nor the customers, have any idea of the events that are about to unfold. Just when it seemed Christmas might not come at all this year, Finley’s favorite employee proves they don’t call her Mrs. Miracle for nothing!

I have only this to say – “Give me a shotgun – the television must die!”

On Strike For Christmas

A taken-for-granted mother goes on strike to convince her family to help out over the holidays. Her idea catches on and soon all the wives in town are also on strike. After a few mishaps, the family figures out how to pull it the holidays off in their own way.

The wife discovers that her way of “doing” the holidays isn’t the only way – yet she’s still remains indispensable. How is that possible? Why was this “Christmas” movie obviously filmed in the summer?

Gift of the Magi

A sappy, newlywed couple burdened with no money decides not to exchange Christmas presents to save money over the holidays. Secretly, they make sacrifices to buy each other a special gift.

What were the sacrifices each made? Who cares?

…But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

So men, there you have it. This happens year after year, after year, after year, after year and will make your Christmases, blue, blue, blue, blue – year, after year, after year, after year – until you finally snap, take matters into your own hands, and at the risk of your marriage – do something drastic!

There are many more reasons that you should NEVER GET MARRIED! For your own good I may write about some of them in the future, but right now I am steeling myself for the “Countdown to Valentine’s Day” movie marathon. Hopefully, it will be so good that my Soul Mate won’t notice that I didn’t make the effort to go to the store to buy her a card, flowers, candy, a cutesy stuffed animal or diamonds!

  

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