Them Wheels Don’t Roll

Them Wheels Dont Roll: Requiem For The Bismarck

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Them Wheels Dont Roll, written by: Kieran Kane and Sean Locke


I watched them push it

In the backyard

A year ago July

No one’s trimmed the grass since

Now it’s covered up the tires

They took out the battery

Drained the gas, and left the oil

Them wheels don’t roll anymore

Them wheels don’t roll anymore

After three hundred thousand miles

The upholstery’s lookin’ sad

Who knows how many tires

But the last ones look pretty bad

It’s a shame the way the rust

Is eatin’ up the old floor boards

Them wheels don’t roll anymore

Them wheels don’t roll anymore

It’s probably got a million stories

But I don’t care what they are

Don’t wanna know the history

Just love the lines of that old car

 The chrome, the glass, the steel

And the locks on all four doors

 Them wheels don’t roll anymore

Them wheels don’t roll anymore

  1984 Pacific Blue Mercedes 380 SE, Famously Known as “the Bismarck” Dies at Age 27

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Today, January 25th, 2011 it was announced that the classic, Pacific Blue 1984 Mercedes 380 SE famously known as “The Bismarck” has died. The Pacific Blue Beauty passed away quietly after a long and arduous trip to the State of Wisconsin in October of 2010. It is said that the Bismarck did his best but the trip was just too much for him. The Bismarck was taken to the Reber and Foley Automobile Hospital where it was determined that he could not be saved. In the end, the Bismarck gave his life for his family – returning them safely home before expiring from the effort.

Due to the shock of the Bismarck’s demise, a family spokesman announced the death only today. The Bismarck’s current driver is said to be extremely distraught and under seclusion in his home, reportedly using prescription depression and anti-anxiety drugs to help him get over the shock and the sorrow. After 256,464 miles the Bismarck’s wheels won’t roll anymore.

The Bismarck hails from the elite family line of Mercedes automobiles, known worldwide as the standard for German technology and automotive engineering. Mercedes has been the premier automotive company in the world throughout history; always leading in technological innovations including luxury, performance, style, and savoir fare. His loss has been a great blow to the family, friends, and relatives who loved the Bismarck as an only son. The Bismarck was an automobile without peer. He can and will never be replaced in the garage of their hearts.

The Life of the “Bismarck”

The Bismarck had an illustrious life. He was born in 1984 in Stuttgart, Germany and came to this country as a young automobile seeking a driver who wanted a superior combination of luxury and performance. He spent his early years in Mount Shasta, California with John W. McGaughey, Jr., son of the famous San Francisco businessman and philanthropist John W. McGaughey. In the late 1980’s Mr. McGaughey became involved in the Transcendental Meditation (TM) movement and established The Institute For Peace and Love in Phoenix, Oregon, which became a Mecca for all of the beautiful people of San Francisco and other places around the globe. The Bismarck spent those years being softly rained on almost every day – like a gentle rain upon a young flower. It is this, as much as anything, which helped the young Bismarck absorb his well-known aura as a car of peace and tranquility – but with a sixteen-valve, eight-cylinder aluminum heart of a lion. The three-pointed star, which adorns the hood of the Bismarck, symbolizes its heritage of Mercedes’ ambition of universal motorization – “on land, on water and in the air”.

Mr. McGaughey took excellent care of his prized automobile, until his death from an extended session of transcendental meditation, which transcended him into the Great Beyond. Enter his current driver, who, having met all the required criteria, acquired him from the McGaughey Estate 10 years ago. His current driver hired a former naval officer to drive the Bismarck from Oregon to St. Sebastian, Illinois. Unfortunately, the naval officer was lacking in moral standards, and, without its current driver’s knowledge unceremoniously ripped the Bismarck’s six CD changer out of its trunk, leaving the Bismarck with only a cassette tape player to enjoy his favorite musical selections – a scar that never healed. The Bismarck and his current driver were together until the Bismarck’s sudden and unexpected demise.

The Bismarck’s new driver is the middle son of a secretive, powerful, and vastly wealthy family in northeastern Illinois. This publication could not gain permission to print the family’s name, but some things are known about the family that has been gained from anonymous sources. The family keeps its private family business held closely to its vest. Not even the first names of the family members can be obtained. All court and business records have been sealed – probably due to the incredible political clout the family wields like the Sword of Damocles. Anonymous sources have told this publication that the family amassed its great wealth by dealing in government and union contracts. No details of these contracts have ever been revealed.

It has been said the family is of Teutonic origins, and that the family members and their influence range from various locations within the United States to other countries such as Germany, Russia and France. One fact is known, however; the family business is centered somewhere on the southeast side of Chicago. Although the whereabouts of the Patriarch and Matriarch of the family have been unknown for years, our sources tell us that the oldest son and heir to the throne is residing on a secluded farmland estate in prestigious Door County, Wisconsin, and is married to a stupendously beautiful and classy former ingénue from the East Coast, whose family came to America on the Mayflower. A mini-army of private game hunters, who keep diligent watch over the couple’s privacy, heavily patrols the estate. Only a select few have been granted the privilege of being accepted as guests to the estate. There they enjoy the Sporting Life including; sailing, boating, hunting, and fishing; guests also enjoy winter activities including, snowmobiling, snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and Polar Bear dips in icy Lake Michigan. It must be understood that Door County is only for the intelligentsia who form the artistic, social and political vanguard of the nation. It is rumored that the oldest son, or “The Chosen One”, as many refer to him, has already begun to take the reins as Patriarch of the family. Even so, sources tell us he still enjoys playing with his beloved model trains.

The youngest son, who it is said was heavily involved in union business, has reportedly retired from the family business, and as rumor has it, is living in a specially designed underground bunker somewhere in the Chicago area, and is now pursuing his life-long love of studying history and music. According to sources, he enjoys basking in his solar heated private lake, and is known to be planning an extensive tour of the United States, set to begin sometime this year.

The Bismarck’s current driver is the middle son of this aristocratic family. Known to be much more reclusive than anyone else in the family, it has been rumored, but unconfirmed by sources, that he has been somewhat mentally ill for decades. It is said that in his current state of depression and despair, the demise of the Bismarck may be the final nail in his coffin. Sources close to him say that he vows to “never drive again”, and has made up his mind(s) to walk everywhere. If so, that poses a huge problem for the family privacy and security. Being the “black sheep” of the family, and known to be suffering from “Middle Child Syndrome” or (MCD), it is claimed by those close to him that he took another direction in life – disdaining working with government and union contracts – and dealing in a number of industries doing double-top secret advisory work with only the highest magnates of industry. Sources claim his work was always a bit on the “shady” side, and that things in the end didn’t turn out well for him – although he has avoided any jail time as of yet.

It has also been said that his current driver had one soft spot – his Blue Beauty – and did nothing but shower love and affection on the Bismarck, taking him on numerous pleasant outings throughout the United States. The Bismarck returned this love and affection and gave his driver a decade of exciting and luxurious driving. They literally went everywhere together, and even the slightest scratch, ding or smudge on the beautiful blue paint upset his driver greatly. The Bismarck was truly a Rainbow in the Puddle of his driver’s life.


Sources tell this publication that one of the Bismarck’s favorite activities was to take his dog to the park, where his driver could have a pleasant walk with the dog, while the Bismarck could bask in the shade of 100 year old Oak trees enjoying the fresh air, the singing birds, and the sounds of children laughing and playing. He also liked to sit by the Skateboard Park, where he marveled at the skill and daring of the young skateboarders.

One of the things the Bismarck loved was to be cleaned and polished – caressed by loving hands or other body parts, preferably female – while being softly spoken to in a soothing, sexy and gentle voice. He particularly reveled in being rinsed with warm water – not too hot, not too cold, as he was a sensitive automobile from his early days of transcendental meditation. One of the Bismarck’s favorite memories is said to be the extensive detailing and minor adjustment session he experienced at the older brother’s estate. Until the day he expired, the Bismarck would dream of the privilege of being pampered with Palmolive soap on the prestigious pad of the estate’s driveway. It is said that he marveled at the older brother’s knowledge of automobiles, and was extremely proud of the pair of plush, padded front-seat covers the older brother purchased and installed for him.

The Bismarck also loved music, and particularly enjoyed listening while cruising along at a comfortable speed, the dog with his head leaning out of the window of the back seat, and his driver thoroughly enjoying his driving experience. Some of the Bismarck’s favorite musical selections included the album “Pancho and Lefty” by Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard, anything sung by Luciano Pavarotti, especially the opera “Rigoletto”, and of course, “Nat King Cole’s Greatest Hits”. The Bismarck also enjoyed more contemporary music, from such musical groups as “Vampire Weekend”, “Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings”, “ Michael Franti and Spearhead” and “The Black Keys”.

It is known that the Bismarck and his driver spent many a day cruising through Minnesota, Wisconsin, South Dakota, and Indiana while his driver worked with his “clients.” In his last days, he had settled into a quiet routine in St. Sebastian, visiting the park, the coffeehouse, and running various non-strenuous errands with his driver. His driver always loved to look out over the Bismarck’s highly polished blue hood at the three-point star. This star has guided motorists everywhere. When this publication states that the three-pointed star has guided motorists everywhere, it is only stating fact. Unlike in the United States – with its inexpensive lease terms and easy credit availability – can a member of the masses – the great unwashed – own a Mercedes. One thing the Bismarck’s current driver kept as a secret never to be uttered to his beloved automobile is that in other countries around the globe, special Mercedes models are used as common taxi cabs. He felt it would damage the Bismarck’s self-esteem.


As an example, in the ancient lands of the Middle East, wealthy and powerful Sheiks have been known to prefer the luxurious Mercedes models for their luxury, quality and durability. In particular, the 1984 Mercedes Benz 380 SE is perhaps the most popular model seen on the streets and in towns throughout the Middle East, with names that cannot be pronounced by the English-speaking peoples. On televised news, in print photographs, and in film and television shows, the ’84 Mercedes 380 SE can be seen speeding through the narrow and dusty streets, with their trunks packed with C-2 explosives and/or a hostage or two; driven by dark-skinned, bearded men – obviously up to no good – who have no regard for human, animal or vegetable life as they put pedal to metal trying to outrun the authorities. At this, the Mercedes leads the way, usually until it explodes – whether it has reached its destination or not. The Star does truly Guide Motorists Everywhere!

Looking at that star reflecting off the Pacific Blue hood, his driver would look down at all the philistines driving other brands of vehicles and on many occasions would proudly utter to the Bismarck – “You’re a REAL automobile – the others are just pretenders to your magnificence.”

The Bismarck also loved the open road. In his day, with his German engineering, the Bismarck set three world performance records. He made a trip to Minneapolis in record time, with an average speed of 139.70 mph. He also recorded the fastest times on trips to Sioux Falls, South Dakota and Fort Wayne, Indiana. Given his mix of luxury and performance, the day the Bismarck died is the Day the Earth Stood Still for his driver.

 Funeral Arrangements

Funeral arrangements for the Bismarck are pending at this time. It is believed that the Bismarck’s current driver is considering a Grand Funeral for his beloved automobile, which may consist of him sitting behind the wheel of his beloved automobile, having the Bismarck’s funeral procession proceed to the automobile graveyard; where he will be crushed with his driver inside him. The Bismarck will then be formed into a coffee table sized piece of furniture that will be passed down through the family for all the generations to come.

Other sources tell us that the Bismarck’s driver is also weighing an alternative method of burial. It is rumored that the Bismarck’s driver is considering packing his Blue Beauty with C-4 explosives, performing a Frankenstein on him, and driving the Bismarck at top speed (even though his brakes are dead) down Main Street of St. Sebastian, and triggering an explosion of the kind never seen in these parts.

He would do it early on a Sunday morning, when all the residents of St. Sebastian have gathered in organized cults to practice their superstition of choice; so that no one is hurt by the blast, except the driver, and, of course, the Bismarck – who would be spared the indignity of being sold for “parts”.

It is the Bismarck’s driver’s belief that this event would keep Homeland Security, the TSA, the FTSB, the FAA, the FBI, the CIA, the DCFS, FEMA, ATF, the DEA, HHS, the IRS, Customs and Border Protection, and the Administration on Aging busy for many, many years trying to figure out the responsible party and the motive for such an act. It is well known among connected circles that the Bismarck’s current driver, in his current mental condition, enjoys a good dose of the old British “Black Humour”.

A family spokesman is expected to make an announcement of the exact details of the funeral as soon as they are finalized. Of course, if Option Number Two is chosen, no announcement will be made in advance, anticipating that the sound of the explosion will adequately announce the event.

The Bismarck is currently lying in state in his driver’s garage, surrounded by an Honor Guard of life sized plastic Santa Claus Christmas decorations. Viewing is by private invitation only.

 Special Family Request

In lieu of flowers, cards, letters, donations the family requests that mourners and other motor enthusiasts go out to their driveways, get into their current automobiles, and take them for the most expensive detailing session available. After that, the family would like each driver to give his automobile a great big hug of love in their driveway, and to reflect on how fortunate they are to still be able to drive their loved one. The family would appreciate that photographs of these moments be sent to them at PO Box 666, St. Sebastian, Illinois, in order that they may create a memorial to the Memory of the late, great, Bismarck. An excerpt from Robert Frost’s poem “Closed For Good” tells it all:

 You leave the road to me

To walk and saying naught

Perhaps but to a tree

Inaudibly in thought,

From you the road receives

A priming coat of leaves.

And soon for lack of sun,

The prospects are in white

It will be further done,

But with a coat so light

The shape of leaves will show

Beneath the brush of snow

 And so on into winter,

Till even I have ceased

To come as a foot printer,

And only some slight beast

So mousy or so foxy

Shall print there as my proxy.

The Bismarck now belongs to the Ages



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